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Some astute readers will have heard of the Iranian Oil Bourse . What you may not know is that Norway has been quietly planning to open its own Oil Bourse . A transcript of a secret meeting has just been leaked to us…
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY.
SCENE: George W. Bush is in the Oval Office, looking out of the window and rearranging his crayons. A Pulitzerprizewinning reporter is in the background scribbling furiously words like “decisive” “clear-sighted” “vision”, etc.
CHENEY AND RUMSFELD ENTER.
BOTH: Hi there your Commander-in-Chiefyness! CHENEY whispers to RUMSFELD: Don't mention the Oil Bourse, it'll only confuse him.
CHEYNEY: Troubling news, Sire, Norway has got fjords , which are a Clear and Present Danger to American Shipping, and they refuse to share them with the rest of the world. They say we can inspect them anytime, but there's lots of them, we'll never find them all.
GWB: Norway? What's that?
RUMSFELD: a small oil-rich country with not much of an army.
GWB: Where is it – let me guess, it's one of those little Middle Eastern or African countries right?
CHENEY: More or less….They hate our freedoms. Right now you are less popular there than cat-poo. They don't speak English. Like ski-ing instead of driving, so they're obviously maniacs.
GWB: That's it! Warm up the bombers Rummy.
RUMSFELD: We can attack from our bases in England.
GWB: Whoa! I'll phone Tony: he'll love another war: it'll bring his total to Six, more than any other Pry Minster.
CHENEY: We need our allies in on this. I'll call Silvio, at his plastic surgeon's.
GWB: I'll get our new buddy Up North to send some soldiers.
CHENEY (FIRMLY): Your Highness, please call him Prime Minister Harper, not Stoogey Boy, or Forrest Gump this time.
RUMSFELD: I'll get Scott to go on Fox and say what a bunch of nasty little shits the Norwegians are. Known for harbouring Bob-sleigh-ers. (Poor old Bob) They like salt fish, so there must be something wrong with them.
GWB: Make sure he doesn't mention Oil. Its about bringing Feedom and Democracy to the Norms. Kicking out their tinpot dictator, whoever he is. Will the Eurpeons kick up a fuss?
RUMSFELD: Norway's not in the EU, so we can stick it to them and it'll be a cakewalk, I promise you.
CHENEY: Just sign here Your Omnipotence, and Kellogg and Halliburton will concrete over those pesky Fjords.
GWB: This is a blank check. Won't Congress whinge?
CHENEY: Don't worry about it, we'll print more money to cover it.
GWB goes over to crayons: “I'll just write me an Execcy Order thing…”
RUMSFELD: (PRODUCES SHEET OF PAPER): I've already done it. You just need to put your John Hancock here….no, don't use crayon, here's a fountain pen, it'll look better in the Imperial Presidential Library.
GWB: What?
CHENEY (SMOOTHLY) The one you will build as your memorial to your Life Presidency, oh Great One.
GWB: When are we going to invade Nor-Land? Those Nors hate our values.
RUMSFELD (WORRIED): Can't we just bomb away like usual? Use our ZN46B Ultra-smart MENSA spelling-bee-winner-Missiles at only a billion a pop…..We're a bit short of troops. You remember that pesky General Shinseki, the one that we fired? Turns out he might have known a bit about military stuff. We haven't got the men.
GWB: You're all fools: haven't you seen The Dirty Dozen? We've got loads of people in prison.
CHENEY: More than anybody else.
GWB: I love this country – we're top in everything! Get those cons out, give them guns and send them off to bring Democracy to NorwegianLand.
CHENEY: Are you sure this is a good idea, Your Worship?
GWB: Get out! The audience is over! Send in my tailor: I need a new Commander-in-Chief uniform for my Mission Accomplished speech for Iraq 3: Battle for Norway.
(In the corner The Pulitzerprizewinning reporter writes supine drivel, dreaming of his royalty checks from Harper Collins).
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